I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
