Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
