I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
