I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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