You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
