I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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