After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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