For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
