Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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