"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
