I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
