wanna go halves on a baby?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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