does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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