I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
