another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
