So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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