I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
