guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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