The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
