Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
