I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
