the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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