We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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