just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
