i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
