I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
