Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
