People in love make me want to vomit
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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