Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need to calm my uterus...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
