literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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