i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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