I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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