we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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