Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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