apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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