Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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