Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
