I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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