So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I need to calm my uterus...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
