Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Pants are for mortals
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
