if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
