One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
