i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
