Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
