i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
it was like eating out sand paper
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
