Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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