Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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