I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
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