Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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