That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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