I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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